Fast Track For A Buck Or Three
Sun Herald
Sunday October 8, 2006
GOOD morning and welcome to the Offshore Skills Assessment Centre. My name is Kevin and I'll be your facilitator for the duration of the course. As you know, Australia desperately needs skilled workers. Our industries have a shortfall of almost 100,000 positions, mostly in trades, and overseas recruits such as yourselves can help fill the gap.
In case you're wondering, the reason we can't fill all those positions with Australians is because we've spent the past few decades bullying potential apprentices into staying on at school in hopes of getting into university. As a result, we have thousands of arts graduates waiting on tables but can't find anyone to change a washer on a tap. Now, I'm aware many of you speak very little English, which is why I'm talking loudly, slowly and in a patronising tone. I've also been told some of you have raised concerns about the proposed English language and Australian cultural values tests for migrants and possibly even for tourists. Don't worry. As fast-tracked skilled migrants you'll be exempt from any such tests. So you won't need to know the answers to questions such as who is the foreign minister's wife's milliner or whether Phar Lap's strapper's uncle wore a seersucker suit at his wedding. As for language skills, as proper ridgy-didge Aussie tradies you'll avoid communicating with your clients as much as possible, so not knowing the lingo will be to your advantage. You hairdressers are the exception. Learn off by heart: "So what are you doing at the weekend?" That's all the English you need to know, and if you don't understand what it means it doesn't matter.You will all, however, be expected to know and observe time-honoured Australian tradie traditions. You plumbers, for example, will be obliged to display at all times an appropriate amount of derriere decolletage. I can't stress too strongly that, in the public's eyes, plumber's crack equals professional credibility. In short, no crack, no cred.Many of you will work as contractors and that includes not only chippies, brickies, sparkies, plumbers, plasterers and other building trades, but motor mechanics, fridge mechanics and other repairers. So it's vital that you be aware of the expectation to provide customers with free quotes. If you're unfamiliar with the term "free quote", it's Australian for "less than half the eventual cost". And another thing. The mobile phone is essential equipment for any true blue Aussie tradie. So always carry one, but do not answer it under any circumstances. More than likely, the caller will be a customer who does not appreciate that, in Australian tradition, "first thing tomorrow morning" actually means "sometime before the end of the millennium". I'm delighted to tell you that the offshore skills assessment scheme has proved so successful that we plan to widen its scope beyond trades. Coming on stream soon at our centres in India, Britain, South Africa, Sri Lanka and the Philippines will be two-week accelerator courses in medicine, law and rocket science, to name but a few. If you can't spare a fortnight, just three evening sessions will get you a degree in accountancy, and we'll throw in an MBA just for showing up.Yes, there are exciting times ahead for all of you. Exciting, and rewarding too. Not only will you have the satisfaction of assisting your adopted country in a time of need, you'll enjoy a new life in a land of boundless opportunity. I mean, at $3.50 an hour, the sky's the limit.
© 2006 Sun Herald